Pick Your Battles

Dear Bella Nonna,

Please help!  My five-year old twins are driving me crazy.  Don’t get me wrong, I love them to pieces, but everyday feels like a war zone.  I thought the terrible two would end by their third birthday… but things are getting worse instead of better. 

Everything ends up being a battle… from what to eat to where they are going to sit in the car.  My biggest battle is over what they are going to wear.  We are always late getting to kindergarten, family functions and social events because they want to wear something totally inappropriate.  We go round and round arguing over what they are going to wear… nothing works.

Battle Fatigued in Baltimore

Dearest Battle Fatigued,

I'm a firm believer in giving children choices in their lives.  It gives them the opportunity to express their unique sense of self and helps to develop their decision-making skills.   But anyone who has done battle with a toddler because she wanted to wear her party dress to make mud pies, his cowboy boots to wade in the pond, a new winter coat to the beach or footy pajamas to Granny's 80th birthday party will agree that there has to be limits placed on those choices.

To make life simpler and a lot less stressful I gave my guys the bottom drawer of their dresser to put all their favorite playtime outfits in.  On days when we stayed at home with nothing special going on I allowed my sons to pick out the clothes they wanted to wear from their bottom drawer.  When we were going out or were having company over, I would pick out two or three outfits of my choice and let them decide which one they wanted to wear.  If it was an extra special event I would tell them I need them to wear this outfit.

The most important thing to do is to talk to (not at) your child.  Explain why some days he/she gets to choose whatever he/she wants to wear, some days you need to limit the choices and other days you need him/her to cooperate and wear what you pick out.

My thoughts and prayers for peace are with you.

Bella Nonna

P.S.  Here is a little English lesson I learned from self-help books… the word need implies you require something, it is necessary.  The word want implies you desire something, it is a wish.  

I Love You

Dear Little One,

I wish I could be there to give you a big hug.   Even though I am not able to physically be there, I want you to close your eyes and feel me hugging you. 

Love has no boundaries.  I want you to know wherever I am you can still talk to me ... any time, any place.  All you have to do is think of me and I'll be right there ready to listen ... all you have to do is talk. 

Please know that although you feel lonely and misunderstood by your parents, they really do love you.  Sometimes parents get caught up in their adult lives and forget how to listen.  They spend all their energy trying to give you all the material things they feel you deserve that they unfortunately forget to give you the most important thing ... their time. 

My sweet child, it breaks my heart when I think about you feeling so invisible in this world.  I know it often seems as if no one really cares about how you are feeling or what is happening to you.  People today see worry as weakness and so your parents end up pushing you to succeed.  They want the best for you and worry they won't be able to give it to you.  They don't have all the answers and worry you might find out and lose respect for them. 

Sometimes parents push you away when you feel you need them the most.  It is not because they don't love you, it is because sometimes your problems remind them of their past.  When you are hurting, they see themselves in your pain.  When you are being bullied, they could be reliving the pain they felt when they were bullied.  Maybe they were the bully and seeing the pain your eyes makes them feel guilty for the pain they caused someone in their past.

Everybody shows love in his or her own special way.  Some people can come right out in the open and show it.  They aren't embarrassed to give you a hug or tell you how proud they are of you.  Some people have trouble expressing their feelings, so they do thing for you. 

I have no trouble expressing my feelings or giving my immediate family and close friends a big hug when they need one, but I feel uncomfortable with everyone else … so I just bake them some sort of goodie. I guess I got that from my father.

Let me tell you about my dear father. When I was little, my father would take us to fun places like amusement parks, the beach and the movies.  He would tell us stories and sometimes he would play games with us.  He would fix people’s cars and help anybody that needed him without looking for anything in return.  I loved to sit and listen to my dad when he was chatting with family and friends.  His eyes would twinkle as he told jokes and funny stories.  He was a hard worker.  He was a good audience when you wanted to tell a joke or rehearse your part in the school play, but he was very hard to talk to when it came to expressing feelings. I always felt he was keeping me at arms length, never letting me get too close to him.

Maybe it was because his mother died when he was only twelve. I'll never really know, because he died before I found the courage to ask him.  My father’s death left a small hole in my heart that I feel will never be filled. I can't imagine what it must have been like for my dad to lose his mother at such a young age.

Sweetheart, I know it's hard for you to understand this now, but one day you will feel a lot differently towards your parents ... trust me. When you are all grown up, maybe with children of your own, you will look back on these days and see your parents in a different light.  When you hold your baby in your arms you will feel a special connection; a bond that you have never felt before. 

When times get tough and you feel like no one cares ... remember dear, you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

I love you.                                                                            

Today's Lesson

Hello.  How are you this beautiful day?

I am reading the Harmony High School newspaper.  There is a funny cartoon you might get a giggle over... here take a look.

Today's Lesson

 

           You want to go to the school dance. 

              The school is 10 miles from your house.

               You want to ride to the dance with your friends.

                                             

                                         

Your mother won't let you go with them because they drive too fast... 60 mph.

She wants your grandmother to take you.  She drives 30 mph.

So, it takes your friends 1 minute to travel 1 mile and your grandmother 2 minutes to travel 1 mile. 

That means it would take your friends 10 minutes to get you to the dance and your grandmother 20 minutes... right?

Well, mathematically speaking that would be correct.

But what will probably happen is; a police officer will stop your friends for speeding. While he is writing out their ticket, you and Granny will cruise past them, getting you to the dance much faster.  
Granny will give you a couple of dollars to buy some goodies at the dance.  
Your friends will be sitting in the parking lot fighting over who will pay for the ticket which will ruin their whole night...and maybe their friendship!

That's why I won't let your friends drive you to the dance.  Besides, it will keep Granny out of my hair for at least 45 minutes!

Joke of the Day

What do you call an old teddy bear?  

Teddy Grossa Felt

Weekly Words Of Wisdom

When talking to someone… Remember to:

STOP… Talking

LOOK… At them

LISTEN… To what they are trying to say

Enough Is Enough

Hi Bella Nonna, sorry I missed your birthday.  I have been so depressed lately… time just got away from me. I hope it was a happy one.

Oh Alisa sweetheart, I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling blue.  What is the problem; is it something I might be able to help you with?

I don’t know Bella Nonna… it is really nothing, I guess.  It is just you know…

Life… it has a way of creeping up on you Alisa and before you know it you are lost in a sea of blue funk. 

Come into the kitchen and sit at the table.  I will make a pot of tea and we can chat.  Maybe find you a life raft or something to help you navigate your blue ocean… sorry about the puns; old age I guess.

I love you Bella Nonna.  You always have just what I need… a little tea and sympathy with a generous helping of wisdom and cheesecake.

How did you know I had cheesecake?  You don’t have to answer that… when don’t I have cheesecake!

We are all set Alisa, what has gotten you so depressed?

I guess I have what the Life Coaches call the middle child or the forgotten child syndrome.  I am feeling kinda misunderstood, invisible and unhappy.

Hmmm… this calls for some of my birthday brownies.  You pour us some more tea and I will be right back with the brownies. 

Bella Nonna you amaze me… you have goodies stashed all over your kitchen!

Well I… yes, yes I do!  But these brownies are special…

BELLA NONNA I didn’t know you…

These are not special brownies you little ding bunny… these are brownies that are special to me. Get your head out of California… marijuana is legal there… see a girl can be savvy about the stuff and never tried it.  You are way too old for the just say no! talk.

Okay where was I before you accused me of baking with wacky weed? 

I was pouring tea and you were getting your… brownies.

Alisa, I bake a small batch of brownies every year for my birthday to remind me of a life lesson I learned on my 40^th birthday. 

Just like you I paid attention to all the excuses the experts allowed me to use for not living my authentic life.  All of my unfulfilled dreams were not my fault… I was a middle child… I had no choice.   Luck for me I didn’t realize I was unhappy and misunderstood with oodles of unfulfilled dreams until I was forty. 

The night of my 40^th birthday I sat alone in the moonlight eating all of my birthday brownies… because all of the loving and caring people in my life had forgotten my birthday and didn’t deserve any … I decided to go on a personal journey to discover me.

According to the experts I spent my life prior to forty in La La Land doing for others and not for myself.  Whoa…I should be really unhappy I thought and WHAM... instant depression. 

I spent the next ten years trying to catch up on all the unhappiness I missed out on while living my, unbeknownst to me, miserable unfulfilled materially deprived life.  I filled up three notebooks with all the advice the experts offered to help me solve my horrible dilemma.  I had page after page of advice on mindfulness, choosing reality over fantasy and how to consciously vibrate at a high positive frequency rather than a low negative one.  I have filled up Love Tanks, crashed through Blocks, kept a journal my dreams, contemplated life’s schemes and relanguaged and rewritten my life experiences.

I searched and searched for the answer; unfortunately I didn’t know the question.  But that was okay because I developed what some psychologists call ‘monkey brain’ and with all the chatter going on inside my brain I umm… What was I saying?  Oh yeah, if you’re happy and you know it don’t go looking for answers to someone else’s questions.  I did and all I got for my trouble was writer’s cramp… and a lot of kindling for the family picnic’s bonfire.

In The Blink Of An Eye

Oh hello!   You startled me … I didn’t expect to see you standing there.  I am on my way to Harmony House to visit my dear friend Emily Carpenter, but I will call her and postpone my visit.  She is such a sweetheart; I know she will understand ...

Would you like to go with me?  I know she would love the company. 

I try to visit Emily at least once a week.  Her son and daughter live in Texas and are unable to fly to Harmony Hill to visit with her.  They fly her to Texas for the Christmas Holidays and call her on regular basis, but it is not the same as sitting and chatting with a cup of tea. 

Emily was born and raised in Harmony Hill.  She met her husband Roy when he moved from Texas to live with his Uncle Vincent and Aunt Rita after the sudden death of his parents.  Roy’s Aunt Rita and my mother were second cousins.  So when Emily and Roy had their children I became their permanent babysitter.  I was over their house so much I became a member of the family.  When RJ and Brenda, Roy and Emily’s children, were in their teens Roy decided to move back to Texas so his children could get to know his side of the family.  Emily lived in Texas for over 25 years and never felt like she belonged.  When Roy, after 43 years of marriage, decided he no longer wanted to be married to her, Emily moved back to Harmony Hill.  RJ and Brenda didn’t want to leave their family and friends in Texas, so Emily moved into Harmony House … Katrina Gustafsson-O’Malley’s Retirement Home.

Oh my goodness … I have been blabbing away and all I wanted to say is that Emily just got back from Texas.  Her children flew her out to celebrate her 75^th birthday.  Ready to met Emily?

There’s the birthday girl. 

Oh Bella Nonna you shouldn’t have…

It’s nothing.  I saw it in Julia’s gift shop and thought of you. 

You baked!

You know me Emily … any excuse to eat sweets.  So how was your trip to Texas?

It was lovely.  I hated the airport check-in mess, but my visit with the kids made it well worth the hassle.  The party they gave me was too much fuss for me … I like things quiet.  I would have preferred to just sit and visit, but what can you do?   Also, it made me feel so old. 

Oh pooh, you’re still a vibrant young thing!

Oh no I’m not!   When I was at my party I realized just how old I am.  I was sitting at the head table wishing I could go home and slip into my comfy pajama pants and fuzzy slipper.  Everyone kept coming over to me to congratulate me on turning 75 … like I had a choice.  Then my grandson James, R J’s oldest comes to the table and takes my hand.   The DJ started playing Rainbow Connection, our song.  He asked me to dance.  I tried to get out of dancing, but when I saw the look in his eyes, I couldn’t refuse.  My feet were hurting and I was so tired but slowly I got up and we started dancing.  I rested my weary head on his strong shoulder and closed my eyes.  Within seconds I was swept away in memories.

I was a little girl waltzing on top of my daddy's feet ... A young bride waltzing with my father on my wedding day ... An expectant mother waltzing with a teddy bear... A young mother waltzing with my little son on top of my feet ... A mom pulling my 13 year old son away from the television to waltz with me ... A mother waltzing with my son on his wedding day …  Then a new grandmother waltzing with James in my arms ... To a granny waltzing with my grandson at his graduation party.  As the song was coming to an end, I opened my eyes and gazed up into my grandson's eyes.  In the blink of an eye I went from staring up into my father's eyes while waltzing to staring up into my grandson's eyes.

Emily, if you could, would you do it all over again?

 

In a heartbeat Bella.