Life Alert

Hi Loretta, you caught me in the middle of a Murder, She Wrote marathon. 

I won't keep you Bella Nonna, I just popped in to say hi and to get away from Harvey.  He is drivin' me crazy.  Since he retired last month all he does is follow me around.  If he's not complainin' about somethin' or wantin' me to feed him, he's askin' me stupid questions.  It's like havin' a demented four-year old livin' in the house.

Come on in.  The coffee is fresh and so are the cinnamon buns.  I'll turn off the television and join you in the kitchen… unless you want to watch Murder, She Wrote for a few pointers.

Don't tempt me Bella Nonna.  I can't tell you how many times in the past month the words "Till death do us part" repeated in my head.  But we can have coffee in the family room and watch Murder, She Wrote.   I forgot there was a marathon… I really like that show too.

Great Loretta, you make yourself at home and I'll fix our snack.

Life Alert… I have a life alert for you.

What was that Loretta?

That commercial for Life Alert was just on TV.  I was just … here let me help you with that tray of delicious cinnamon buns and I'll tell you all about it.

Here's the tray… let me grab the pot of coffee Loretta so we won't have to stop in the middle of your story to refill our cups.

Okay Loretta, I'm all set.

When you were in the kitchen gettin' our snack, that commercial for those beeper things that they have for old people who live alone came on.  I was just sayin' you can be livin' in a house with a selfish husband and a zoned out son and be just as at risk.

Are you speaking hypothetically Loretta or…

I wish!  The other day they were in the livin' room watchin' one of those idiotic cartoon-type shows and I was busy cleanin' up their mess, preparin' dinner and lettin' the dog out, you know multi-taskin'… don't get me started on that.

Okay Loretta, I won't.  Would you like more coffee… another cinnamon bun?

Yes to the cinnamon bun … no to the coffee… I'll just pour a little of that cream into my coffee cup, if that's okay with you.

Help yourself.

Well as I was sayin'… I was rushin' around tryin' to get things done.  I could hear those fools laughin' their butts off in the other room so I decided to take a break.  I grabbed my flavored water and went into the livin' room to see for myself what they thought was so funny.  As I stood there watchin' those asinine cartoon characters sayin' things that I am too polite to repeat, I started to choke.  Not just a little cough, I was full out chokin' on some spittle that went down the wrong way.  I even spilled my glass of flavored water tryin' to put it down on the end table.  There I was chokin' to death… everything was going black … I could see the white light and I would have gone into it if my kitchen wasn't such a mess.  No way was I leavin' this world with my house a mess.  Can you imagine how all those tongues would be a waggin' if I did?  It took every bit of my strength, but I managed to clear my windpipe.  Weak from chokin' I flopped into my rocker.  My butt didn't even have a chance to make a dent in the cushion when Harvey asked me what was for dinner.  What was for dinner!  Can you believe it?  I nearly met my maker and all that fool cared about was his dinner!  I should've taken my cast iron fryin' pan…

I don't know if it was luck or Divine Intervention… one of those commercials for cheap life insurance came on and calmed Loretta down with thoughts of how she would spend her insurance money.

If she were to whack Harvey… could I be name as an accomplice for getting her hopped up on caffeine, sugar and Murder, She Wrote? 

Merry Christmas

Dear Readers,

May you be blessed with love, laughter, joy and peace this Christmas.

May all your prayers be answered and your dreams come true in the New Year.

Thank you for visiting my Blog,

Love,
Alice

A Letter To Santa

Hello... please come in.  I am a little sad today.   My friend Maryanne Webber just gave me a copy of a letter her cousin sent her in her Christmas card this year.  Would you like to read it?  It might dampen your Christmas spirit.


Dear Santa,

My wish list for Christmas might seem a little strange. I don't want toys, video games or candy. I'm not sure I even know what these things are. All I know is that they are important to my parents.

I would like some time… a minute if you have one… so I can give it to my mommy. When I ask her to help me with my homework and she says, "Ok, just give me a minute." I will have one to give her. If she says she would read me a bedtime story if she only had the time. I would have some to give her and not be so scared at night.

If it is not too much trouble, I would also like a round tuit. I need it for my daddy. I know he really would like to take me fishing or teach me how to ride my bike, but he needs a round tuit first.

I know you are very busy making toys for the other children. I can help you if you want. I have a lot of toys and stuff I never played with. My mommy and daddy give them to me whenever they miss my school plays or can't take me to the park or any other fun stuff. I really don't mind giving them to you. I can always get more toys from my mommy and daddy, but I can't get the time and a round tuit I need to have my parents play with me.

If you can't get these things for me, could you make us poor? My friend Billy is poor and his mommy is always home and bakes cookies for his lunch and goes to his school plays. His daddy taught him to ride his bike. It's an old bike with only one gear, but at least he knows how to ride it. When I get bored with my video games I sometimes look out my bedroom window and see Billy playing tag with his brother and sister. My nanny won't let me go over because she doesn't get paid enough to worry about me getting hurt playing with those noisy little rascals.

Don't worry if you can't get a round tuit or don't have the time, I’m used to it by now. You can still have all my unused toys... give some to Billy. I can watch him play with them from by bedroom window.

Merry Christmas.

Love,
Jamie

Baby Can You Hear Me

Dear Bella Nonna,

I am worried my three year-old son might be hearing impaired. Sometimes when I call his name, I get no response. He will be playing on the floor not four feet from me and I will call his name and he just keeps on playing. He doesn't even look up. I had heard stories of mothers depriving their children of precious learning experiences by not realizing they were hearing impaired.

I mentioned this to his pediatrician at our last visit and she dismissed me with a wave of her hand and a grunt," New mothers… you all worry too much. Relax, he's fine."

I trust my son's doctor, but I still have this nagging feeling that something might not be right.

What do you think I should do?

Worried in Washington



Dearest Worried,

I went through the exact experience with my three sons. I would try to get their attention and they would often keep right on playing as if I wasn't there.

When Mickey was a toddler I decided to do my own hearing test. One day while he was playing in the living room, I went into the kitchen and opened a bag of cookies. Within seconds he came running in to get one for himself.

I have used this hearing test throughout my three sons' childhood. In fact, I just used it today. While they were outside working on their cars, the radio blasting, I went into the kitchen and opened up the last package of Tastykake. I am happy to report; all three of my sons have excellent hearing.

Take care,
Bella Nonna

The Campaign Speech

Grab your coat… I am heading off to the new high school. Jamila Williams just called to tell me Angelina McGuire is going to run for some sort of office. She is announcing it at the school board meeting tonight. Jamila said that Angelina is all fired up and that her campaign speech is going to be inspiring.


Great we are just in time; Angelina is up next. Let’s grab those two chairs on the left next to that exit door… in case we need to make a quick get-away.

Hello everyone, I am Angelina McGuire. I would like to climb up on my fertilizer bag and throw my potholder into the ring. I feel it is about time we address the issue of yet another species that is being driven to extinction… the stay-at-home mom. She is being slowly fazed-out, taken for granted and told she is obsolete. Her presence has been disappearing from our homes and our lives at an alarming rate.

I know many of you are probably saying to yourselves… No she’s not… She is at home right now… probably in the kitchen.

Is she? Have you taken a look lately? She is gone. The microwave, dishwasher and readymade flash frozen preservative laden somewhat edible food-like products have replaced her.

Now you are probably think … Well if she isn’t in the kitchen she must be in the family room listening to the children telling her about their day or maybe helping them with homework. She could be playing a game or building a puzzle. I know she use to love doing that.

Nope, she is not there either. I only see plush Italian leather furniture, a complete home entertainment center with Dolby Surround Sound, a video game console, a few dirty cups and an empty potato chip bag.

Some of you might be heading to your children’s bedrooms expecting her to be there getting them ready for bed. She will be putting them into their jammies, singing lullabies and telling them bedtime stories.

Let me save you the trip. All you will find is a perfectly decorated room with hardwood furniture and matching bedding and curtains that took three stores and two credit cards to pull off. You will probably find a CD player, personal computer and toys that do everything… including telling your children the bedtime stories she use to tell.

I can hear you all saying to yourselves… If we didn’t notice she was gone, she probable wasn’t all that important. So get off that fertilizer bag and spread it around your garden where it will do some good.

I will, but before I climb down I would like to ask how many of you remember how nice it was to have someone at home to greet you when you came home from school? I remember the huge smile on my mother’s face when I came bursting in with some great news or how comforting her hugs were when someone hurt my feelings. Do you remember how warm and cozy the kitchen was when your mom was baking a pie or some gooey chocolate chip cookies? When you get home and open your front door after a hard day, don’t you wish you could be greeted by the smell of dinner cooking in the oven? Ahhh…. memories.

Unfortunately some of you won’t remember these things because you didn’t have a stay at home mom. But don’t despair; it is not too late. You can save the stay-at-home mom and make these wonderful memories with your children. You may not be wealthy but you will be happy and enrich your life.

Oh… the oven timer just went off. I’ll climb down now. May I have my potholder back? I need it to take the cake out of the oven.

Thanks for listening and please pick up a flyer from the table in the back of the auditorium.



Dear Friends,


Today you have the opportunity to help not one, but two generations of people trying to survive in this modern world. Due to a fast pace life, with its many distractions, we have put a very important part of life on hold. We have misplaced our priorities in our quest to make our lives better… and are paying a very high price for it. Our society has misinformed us. Convincing us that we can have it all… money, power and respect. All we have to do is be willing to work for it. Unfortunately, in the process of “working for it”, we have traded the joy of a child’s laughter for the high quality sound of our IPod, the look on our baby’s face when they take their first steps for the clarity of our high definition televisions, the thrill and excitement of watching our children ride a bike without training wheels, hit a home run, score a touchdown, bake their first cake and finally make it to the top of the monkey bars for the thrill and excitement of closing the deal, doubling our profit and having a great stock portfolio. These are memories and experiences we will never get back.


My dear friends, we are human BEINGS. We need to take the time to just be. I know some of you are saying to yourselves, time is money, I can’t waste it playing. If you are measuring your life in terms of dollars and cents… I guess you are right. But if you choose to measure your life in terms of happiness and cherished memories, then the time you spend with your children is priceless.


For just minutes a day, the time it takes to play one game of cyber solitaire, you can make a difference in your child’s life. You can make YOUR world a brighter, happier, more loving place to live in… and will have memories that will last a lifetime.


So, won’t you please help? Make the commitment today. They are depending on YOU.


Wishing you love, laughter and many happy memories,


Angelina McGuire






----------------------------------------------------



Yes Angelina, I will help make a difference in my child’s life.


Enclose is my pledge to spend more time with my children.

 

I PLEDGE TO SPEND:


_____ Minutes a week reading a book to them.


_____ Minutes a week playing a game with them.


_____ Minutes a week talking with them.


_____ Minutes a week listening to them.


____A lifetime loving, laughing and enjoying life with them.

The Pendulum Has Swung

Hello Willa, how are you doing on this beautiful autumn day?

I am pretty good Bella Nonna… I got my aches and pains but what's the use in complaining… everyone else seems to be doing enough of that. I was at the County Fair last week and all I heard was how rough parents have it with their children now a days. The way they yell at their children… it's heartbreaking.

I know what you mean Willa, for generations parents have uttered those threatening words "just wait until you have children of your own!" They have cursed their children with so many plagues and misfortunes; it's a wonder the human race is still in existence. I guess it's a good thing children rarely listen to their parent.

Although, over the past several years Willa I have noticed a trend; I find it is not the parents who are issuing the threats, but their children.

Really Bella Nonna…I hadn't noticed?

Oh yes, I heard a seven-year old child tearfully exclaim, "Just wait until I have children of my own and I'm reading them a bedtime story and you want me to sit outside with you and watch the sun set... I'll be the one saying not now... I'm too busy!"

Then three weeks ago while unclogging the mower deck of my garden tractor I heard my neighbor’s sixteen-year old son rattle off this threat, "Fine Dad, you don't have to teach me to drive. But one day I'm gonna have a son of my own and I’m going to teach him how to drive so HE can drive YOU to the old age home."

Just last week Carmen told me her fourteen-year old step-daughter issued this threat, "This is what I've made for dinner. When you start making the dinners, then YOU can decide what we're gonna eat... until then you have two choices...eat it or starve!"

I had no idea that this was happening Bella Nonna … but now that you mention it when I was at the library I watched in amazement as a frustration five-year old boy tried to zipper up his jacket. He kept pleading with his father to help him, but his father just kept reading his newspaper. After about fifteen minutes of unsuccessful trying, the little guy squared his shoulders and exploded, "FINE... the next time I'm reading my Ranger Rick magazine and you need help getting to the next level of your video game, don't expect ME to be there for YOU!" I don't think the little boy's father would have paid any attention to him if the librarian hadn't asked the man to keep his son quiet.

Willa, I have heard many threats being issued throughout my life… some were funny, some were frightening and some made absolutely no sense at all. In fact I thought I had heard them all until just last week while I was taking a walk, I saw a sweet little eighteen-month-old baby standing in the middle of her yard. A beautiful rainbow aura was surrounding her... I'm not sure if it was caused by her inner-spirit or an over loaded disposable diaper. As I was approaching her house I could hear her babbling away at the top of her lungs. How cute and what a vocabulary, I thought. But as I was passing her house I realized she was not babbling... she was setting forth a curse like you wouldn't believe.

"May your tummy come un-tucked in the middle of an important board meeting. May the FDA outlaw Botox and your face end up looking like a Shar-Pei. May you be forced to wear your adult diaper until it has enough tinkle in it to fill the Grand Canyon!" I wasn’t able to hear the rest of her threat because a thunderstorm suddenly came upon us and I had to hightail it back home… at least I think it was a thunderstorm.

Bella Nonna, do you remember when it was the parents that made the rules? What has happened? Somehow parents have lost their children's respect and faith in their wisdom. Why have adults become comfortable with the role of the buffoon in the TV programs children watch? When did letting a child run roughshod over your life become the norm? As a teenager I looked forward to the future with hope and excitement... now that I am here ... I'm not so sure. Parents better stepping up to the plate and start taking responsibility for their obligations to their children. They are not "toys", but precious lives that they were blessed with. It is time for these parents to grow up and shed their selfish ways. I know I sound preachy, but if the human race is to have a future we all better take care of the present generation.

Ask Bella Nonna

Dear Bella Nonna,

My three year old son refuses to potty train completely. He, for the most part, has mastered making poopy in the potty… but will not go pee pee in the potty. I have followed all the suggestions in all of my parenting books… from keeping track of when he drinks liquids to when he become wet to putting a bull's-eye in the bowl of the toilet. Please help…I am at my wits end and up to my waist in dirty laundry.

Soggy in Saskatchewan



Dearest Soggy,

I know potty training can be very frustrating, having raised three sons of my own. My first bit of advice is to relax… I was going to suggest you take a deep breath but considering your current situation I'm afraid you might pass out from the toxic fumes.

Speaking of toxic fumes… Did you know that bleach mixed with little boy tinkle will produce a noxious gas? I nearly killed myself the first time I did a load of dirty diapers. I put the diapers into the washer, filled it with very hot water and as the washer agitated the diapers I poured in a generous cup of chlorine bleach. Within seconds my eyes started tearing and my lungs burned with each inhale… I flung the lid of the washer shut and literally crawled gagging and coughing out of the laundry room.

Okay, back to your problem. I have a secret to potty training that has been handed down from generation to generation. I call it the free-range method of potty training. This method of potty training can be started as early as 21 months of age.

On a warm sunny day dress your toddler in "big boy" undies and a T-shirt and let him play outside. When you notice "nature" about to call calmly ask if he has to go potty. Gently, but quickly, take him to the potty and let him go. If your bathroom is on the second floor of your house it would be helpful to have potty-chair close by.

Make sure you praise him for "holding it" until he got to the potty, as well as, after he has gone. Don't worry if you miss the warning signs and he has an accident. This helps your baby understand the concept of "having to go potty" by letting him see, as well as feel, what is happening to his little body.
Because there is less "mess" to clean up after an accident, you will find this method less stressful on you and your child.