Pick Your Battles

Dear Bella Nonna,

Please help!  My five-year old twins are driving me crazy.  Don’t get me wrong, I love them to pieces, but everyday feels like a war zone.  I thought the terrible two would end by their third birthday… but things are getting worse instead of better. 

Everything ends up being a battle… from what to eat to where they are going to sit in the car.  My biggest battle is over what they are going to wear.  We are always late getting to kindergarten, family functions and social events because they want to wear something totally inappropriate.  We go round and round arguing over what they are going to wear… nothing works.

Battle Fatigued in Baltimore

Dearest Battle Fatigued,

I'm a firm believer in giving children choices in their lives.  It gives them the opportunity to express their unique sense of self and helps to develop their decision-making skills.   But anyone who has done battle with a toddler because she wanted to wear her party dress to make mud pies, his cowboy boots to wade in the pond, a new winter coat to the beach or footy pajamas to Granny's 80th birthday party will agree that there has to be limits placed on those choices.

To make life simpler and a lot less stressful I gave my guys the bottom drawer of their dresser to put all their favorite playtime outfits in.  On days when we stayed at home with nothing special going on I allowed my sons to pick out the clothes they wanted to wear from their bottom drawer.  When we were going out or were having company over, I would pick out two or three outfits of my choice and let them decide which one they wanted to wear.  If it was an extra special event I would tell them I need them to wear this outfit.

The most important thing to do is to talk to (not at) your child.  Explain why some days he/she gets to choose whatever he/she wants to wear, some days you need to limit the choices and other days you need him/her to cooperate and wear what you pick out.

My thoughts and prayers for peace are with you.

Bella Nonna

P.S.  Here is a little English lesson I learned from self-help books… the word need implies you require something, it is necessary.  The word want implies you desire something, it is a wish.  

I Love You

Dear Little One,

I wish I could be there to give you a big hug.   Even though I am not able to physically be there, I want you to close your eyes and feel me hugging you. 

Love has no boundaries.  I want you to know wherever I am you can still talk to me ... any time, any place.  All you have to do is think of me and I'll be right there ready to listen ... all you have to do is talk. 

Please know that although you feel lonely and misunderstood by your parents, they really do love you.  Sometimes parents get caught up in their adult lives and forget how to listen.  They spend all their energy trying to give you all the material things they feel you deserve that they unfortunately forget to give you the most important thing ... their time. 

My sweet child, it breaks my heart when I think about you feeling so invisible in this world.  I know it often seems as if no one really cares about how you are feeling or what is happening to you.  People today see worry as weakness and so your parents end up pushing you to succeed.  They want the best for you and worry they won't be able to give it to you.  They don't have all the answers and worry you might find out and lose respect for them. 

Sometimes parents push you away when you feel you need them the most.  It is not because they don't love you, it is because sometimes your problems remind them of their past.  When you are hurting, they see themselves in your pain.  When you are being bullied, they could be reliving the pain they felt when they were bullied.  Maybe they were the bully and seeing the pain your eyes makes them feel guilty for the pain they caused someone in their past.

Everybody shows love in his or her own special way.  Some people can come right out in the open and show it.  They aren't embarrassed to give you a hug or tell you how proud they are of you.  Some people have trouble expressing their feelings, so they do thing for you. 

I have no trouble expressing my feelings or giving my immediate family and close friends a big hug when they need one, but I feel uncomfortable with everyone else … so I just bake them some sort of goodie. I guess I got that from my father.

Let me tell you about my dear father. When I was little, my father would take us to fun places like amusement parks, the beach and the movies.  He would tell us stories and sometimes he would play games with us.  He would fix people’s cars and help anybody that needed him without looking for anything in return.  I loved to sit and listen to my dad when he was chatting with family and friends.  His eyes would twinkle as he told jokes and funny stories.  He was a hard worker.  He was a good audience when you wanted to tell a joke or rehearse your part in the school play, but he was very hard to talk to when it came to expressing feelings. I always felt he was keeping me at arms length, never letting me get too close to him.

Maybe it was because his mother died when he was only twelve. I'll never really know, because he died before I found the courage to ask him.  My father’s death left a small hole in my heart that I feel will never be filled. I can't imagine what it must have been like for my dad to lose his mother at such a young age.

Sweetheart, I know it's hard for you to understand this now, but one day you will feel a lot differently towards your parents ... trust me. When you are all grown up, maybe with children of your own, you will look back on these days and see your parents in a different light.  When you hold your baby in your arms you will feel a special connection; a bond that you have never felt before. 

When times get tough and you feel like no one cares ... remember dear, you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

I love you.                                                                            

Today's Lesson

Hello.  How are you this beautiful day?

I am reading the Harmony High School newspaper.  There is a funny cartoon you might get a giggle over... here take a look.

Today's Lesson

 

           You want to go to the school dance. 

              The school is 10 miles from your house.

               You want to ride to the dance with your friends.

                                             

                                         

Your mother won't let you go with them because they drive too fast... 60 mph.

She wants your grandmother to take you.  She drives 30 mph.

So, it takes your friends 1 minute to travel 1 mile and your grandmother 2 minutes to travel 1 mile. 

That means it would take your friends 10 minutes to get you to the dance and your grandmother 20 minutes... right?

Well, mathematically speaking that would be correct.

But what will probably happen is; a police officer will stop your friends for speeding. While he is writing out their ticket, you and Granny will cruise past them, getting you to the dance much faster.  
Granny will give you a couple of dollars to buy some goodies at the dance.  
Your friends will be sitting in the parking lot fighting over who will pay for the ticket which will ruin their whole night...and maybe their friendship!

That's why I won't let your friends drive you to the dance.  Besides, it will keep Granny out of my hair for at least 45 minutes!